Book Review: How to Know A Person by David Brooks

 

Title: How to Know A Person
Author: David Brooks
Publication Date: October 24, 2023
Publisher: Random House
Genre: Self-Help, Non-Fiction, Psychology

A practical, heartfelt guide to the art of truly knowing another person in order to foster deeper connections at home, at work, and throughout our lives—from the #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Road to Character and The Second Mountain

As David Brooks observes, “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”

And yet we humans don’t do this well. All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood. In How to Know a Person, Brooks sets out to help us do better, posing questions that are essential for all of If you want to know a person, what kind of attention should you cast on them? What kind of conversations should you have? What parts of a person’s story should you pay attention to?

Driven by his trademark sense of curiosity and his determination to grow as a person, Brooks draws from the fields of psychology and neuroscience and from the worlds of theater, philosophy, history, and education to present a welcoming, hopeful, integrated approach to human connection. How to Know a Person helps readers become more understanding and considerate toward others, and to find the joy that comes from being seen. Along the way it offers a possible remedy for a society that is riven by fragmentation, hostility, and misperception.

The act of seeing another person, Brooks argues, is profoundly How can we look somebody in the eye and see something large in them, and in turn, see something larger in ourselves? How to Know a Person is for anyone searching for connection, and yearning to be understood.

This is a lovely book about truly seeing each other, knowing a person on an emotional level, connecting deeply with them, and how to navigate despair in life. It draws from personal anecdotes, psychology, and pop culture to drive the point home that learning how to understand and see someone for who they truly are is a skill that must be honed in order to thrive in our personal relationships. Brooks is a good story teller who has a lot of wisdom about connecting with others. I learned a lot about what it means to be an empathetic, wise, and caring individual and how to approach friendship and community. What he means by "knowing a person" is more like knowing how to act appropriately to foster these connections, such as being a good listener, knowing how to support someone in despair, and knowing how to bring the most vulnerable side of others out. 

Why is it important to see someone emotionally? Brooks states that humans need recognition as much as they need food and water. To not see someone is to greatly punish them, because as humans all we want is to be seen for who we are. To say that someone doesn't matter and doesn't exist is the epitome of evil, and the turning point of what causes someone to be a school shooter. From a pragmatic standpoint, you can't make big decisions unless you're able to understand others--for example, before you marry someone, you have to know not just about a person's interests and career propsects but the pains of their childhood and how they navigate adversity and conflict. Seeing others is also a skill that is especially crucial in today's day and age of AI. AI is going to replace humans at many tasks, but it will never be able to create person-to-person connections. To thrive in the aage of AI, we must become exceptionally good with connecting with others. 

Brooks introduces a dichotomy for categorizing people: in every crowd there are Illuminators and Diminishers. Illunimators have a curiosity about people, and know how to ask the right questions at the right time. They make people feel bigger, deeper, respected, and lit up. Diminishers on the other hand make poeple feel small and unseen. They are self-abosrbed and so involved with themselves that other people are felt as if they are things to be used,not persons to be befriended. How do we be an Illuminator? You become wholly interested in people, be empathetic, and be an active listener. You are receptive, tender, actively curious, affectionate, and generous with a holistic attitude. 

Being a wise person who knows how to see someone and make them feel illuminated is also about being an accompaniment. Too often we want to be the star of the show, but neglect others in the process and don't honor their ability to make choices. Accompaniment involves a surrender of power, such as a teacher guiding a student towards answers rather than just telling it to them, or a manager assisting employees instead of giving orders. It is important to have presence, which means just showing up. When someone is going through a difficult time, you don't need to say something wise or offer practical advice to fix things, you just have to be there with an awareness of what they are experiencing at the moment. 

One of the best chapters in the book is the one on how to have good talks. Having a good talk involves acive listening to invite the other to express. We should also ask questions to make them authors, not witnesses, and ask questions for stories about specific events and experiences, not just concrete details. A tactic to be a good listener involves "looping", which is repeating what the other person said so they can feel heard, seen, and clarify whatever is being understood by the listener. There was also an analogy about being a midwife to a conversation, where one person is going through a hard time and the other person is just accompanying them in their process of deliberation and assist the other person instead of being there to lead with insights. Finally, the most important thing that I learned from this book was not to relate everything back to yourself. I sometimes find myself caught in this mistake, where one person talks about their experience but I end up talking about my own experience as if to "offer sympathy and understanding" but in reality in that moment the person doesn't want to hear about your experience and needs someone to listen to what they're going through. It's more important to see the other person entirely than to talk about yourself and relate to them in these situations because what people need most is a listener, not a talker. 

One of the most insightful anecdotes was Brooks describing his experience about a friend who suffered from depression and later committed suicide. It was heartbreaking to read about, but the life lesson that he gained from it and the wisdom he shared was invaluable--to help someone in despair, it is best to just be there for them with your presence and care unconditionally, not to try to fix their problems. People usually don't like to hear advice to try to fix their problems, they just want someone to understand them and support them. They want to feel seen. Brooks initially wanted to fix his friend by offering solutions, but realized that that didn't work. A depressed person knows what they have to do, but they've tried it and it didn't help. They simply cannot feel pleasure. Depression can't be cured with a pep talk and if it were that easy no one would be depressed. They already feel as if they are a burden and drain on other people. So, the best thing to do is just to be there for them, remind them that you're thinking about them, and not to try and fix the problem. 

This book was an easy and enjoyable read that reminded me of the importance of empathy. Everyone wants to be understood, and everyone wants to be seen. Being able to see someone and have good conversations is a critical skill that must be honed in order to have good relationships and achieve happiness. The best way to connect with someone is to ask good questions and be a good listener. To fufill those desires for intimacy that we all crave, we must put our ego aside and really see the other person's experiences and feelings. The way towards happiness is less of an inward focus on yourself but an outward directed care towards other people. We all desire intimacy and connection and this is a great book that teaches you how to do just that.