On Moving On

Whenever I have time aside from occupying my life with busyness, such as when I'm on autopilot playing the piano or in the car alone with my thoughts, I always think about things that I regret doing. Sometimes, I just can't seem to silence those thoughts from my head and continue on with my life. Whether it would be shame or embarrassment, things I have done in my past affect me emotionally in a way that disturbs my day to day functioning. For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which was a result of past trauma from a terrible first relationship that left me in an emotionally unstable trainwreck. As a survivor of sexual assault, I experienced a manic phase that left my life in shambles due to things I did that I had no control over--things that still to this day haunt my conscience as much as I try to push these thoughts away.

Things that I regret doing include: 

 
• Doing an over-the-top dramatic reading of a poem I wrote on the seminar class topic.
• Throwing a mini dance party in my seminar class 
• Messaging random people and making them uncomfortable with the sudden intrusion
• Swearing excessively on social media
• Writing a 10-page essay of a marriage proposal to my assailant and sending it to my professor. 
• Taking too many screenshots and exposing receipts
• Swearing in front of my former high school teachers
• Displaying jealousy of my biology teacher's favoritism of my best friend over me
• Losing a best friend over petty drama
• Made group chats including my assailant in all of them and other random people

It's a struggle pursuing happiness and meaning after experiencing something that caused my life to restart from square one. I lost friends along the way and I created problems for other people but in a conversation with my social worker, she said that it wasn't my job to fix other people's lives. In regards to the things I did, the people that witnessed the events unfold don't matter to me and therefore, she said I should dismiss the judgments of said people. It has been my lifelong desire to be recognized, noticed, and admired by many but having experienced the mania has caused my desires to take a flip--I don't want to be noticed anymore, I don't want to be given attention, and I just want to live quietly without the pressure of being liked. This shift has made me feel different from my old self that constantly craved admiration and used Instagram to feed into my insecurities; now, I refrain from using social media for any purpose other than to message a few close friends. Not only do I have to move on from my actions during my mania phase, but I also have to move on from the version of myself that was insecure and attention-seeking. I need to find happiness from within and I realized that one way to start was to pick up blogging again. I miss the quietness and the cathartic feeling of writing, and the only thing that has helped me through my toughest times with the emotional abuser was by writing down my feelings. 

My relationship with my abuser was one of the most complex things that went down in history. It began with a phase of rebellion where I wanted to escape from normal life and get whisked away in a romance--and I was willing to overlook any, ANY red flag because I was so eager to run away. I projected this image of a romantic ideal onto my abuser and faced disappointment when he did not live up to my ideals. I tolerated bad behaviour like flaking and misogyny when I should have left months before the assault occurred. But like my social worker said, I should not blame myself for what happened--he was in a position of power and he groomed me into the situation where I had no control. Self-blame is something that I have struggled with but it does nothing in this situation--it's not my fault for being gaslighted into doing something that I didn't want to do. It's not my fault for naively coerced and experiencing mania as a result of what happened. It's not my fault for being a victim of sexual assault and experience my life taking a complete turn. 

If I could undo time, I would press the delete button on all of these things that I did, but I can't. I have to continue on with my life as if they didn't happen; I have to force myself to push away the self-blame and shame that comes with performing all of the actions above. If I lived in a world where I was continually saying, "If only..." I would never be able to enjoy the present and what I have in front of me: friends who didn't leave my side despite my manic phase, a family who is the most supportive of me, and my life free of an emotional and physical abuser. If I could let go of the anger, shame, and embarrassment of my mistakes, I would live freely and be happy. I need to tell myself that it's not my fault that these things happened; I had no control over my brain and my actions, therefore, I should be less harsh on myself for doing the unspeakable. That was not me. That was someone who was manifested because of tremendous stress and emotional distress as a victim of sexual assault. It is very common that victims of sexual assault blame themselves for what has happened, but it is important that self-blame is out of the equation hence for proper healing. The only thing that keeps me from being completely happy is the embarrassment of my past actions that could potentially affect my future, but these are thoughts that I try to defer with positive thoughts of what I have here and now.