Quarantine Thoughts

It's been a long time. 

In the span of a year since The Whimsical Olive has been updated, so much has happened. Currently, I'm stuck in a three day quarantine as a requirement of Hong Kong's travel policies in order to study here for four months. I was about to lose my mind to boredom until I found this old gem--I forgot it had even existed. However, as the name of this blog suggests, this is the blog of The Whimsical Olive--posts are spontaneous, freespirited, and random. I never liked forcing myself to write on a regular basis unless I have legitimate inspiration, hence I gave up on becoming a professional writer long ago. 

It feels so strange to be writing again--this part of me that I have buried deep into the ground like the treasures on Monte Cristo--I am finally digging them up again and taking revenge on my enemies (just kidding). One thing I was always afraid of was introspection; writing became too painful, too raw, and made me feel too vulnerable. Perhaps there was a time period where I revelled in these emotions but I felt self absorbed doing so. But something I've learned over the year is that those emotions will always be there, they are never gone, only repressed. They come out in ways you don't expect, outbursts that are random, and discomfort that feels alien. The easy way out is to run away. The hard thing to do is to face your demons. 

In a world where we seem to be running on a never ending treadmill, we forget that there is a stop button. We just have to be proactive and take a pause; sometimes that pause is good for us. We keep trying to do more, achieve more, and want more, when really, sometimes less is more. For me, the pause button was hit involuntarily when I was forced to quarantine. After the last 5 hours of lying on my bed listening to music from sad violin, Titanic OSTs, and peaceful piano tunes, I decided to pick myself up and write about nothing in particular. It's been a while since I've been honest with myself and put thoughts on paper. 

I feel like I've become a bit lost in a sense and strayed from my true self. Looking back on these wholesome posts, I can't help but feel nostalgia for the person I was--a hopeless romantic, brimming with enthusiasm over the most basic things, and truly having a spark for the little things in life. That sort of childlike enthusiasm became lost in the abyss of a "finding myself" journey when it was really a "losing myself" journey. But I suppose, in a sense, to be on the right path, you need to explore the wrong path. No amount of guidance can make you stay on the right path if curiosity is telling you to go down the other. Dorian Grey had to explore an endless array of perfumes, the sex, the orgies, fabrics, art for 18 years until he came to the conclusion that all of that was meaningless. But unfortunately, he felt that the only way to live again was to die. That's the wrong kind of conclusion to come to; you can always go back on the right path; but it takes a revelation and that can be triggered by an internal desire to change or an external situation so dire that you have to change or else. 

But although I have somewhat strayed, it's not like I want to go back to my previous self, ever. Thanks to experience and time, I've become less naive in the sense that I can still retain the childlikeness that all adults should strive to aim for while knowing what the other path holds. I've opened Pandora's Box and was able to close it. Of course, the darkness of the world will never go away completely but at least it can stop continuing to bleed out--that just means I have to learn to live with the darkness but also find light in what hasn't been tainted yet. 

So here are 5 more rules of life, Olive's version. (Not totally copying the great Jordan Peterson. Unfortunately these rules just aren't as great as starting with something simple like "Stand Up With Your Back Straight" and going on a wisdom rant somehow relating that to the original prompt.) Some of these are basic common sense that no one can really argue with, but it really takes life experience to realize that they are actually true and applicable to everyday life. 

1. Learn the line between tolerating and respecting yourself. 

It's not an easy task. If we did not tolerate anyone in society, we'd have no friends. But if we tolerated everyone too much, we'd come off as a doormat and be easily taken advantage of. We'd be bitter, resentful, and eventually explode. There were many instances that I tolerated other people at the expense of myself that I will not list here to save myself some face. I've had an issue with being more door-matty than bitchy which has landed me in not so good situations. While both are quite extreme, if I had to choose one, it's better to be a bitch. Bitches have self-respect, dignity, and hold themselves in high regard. Door mats become dirty and stepped on. No one respects a door mat. I suppose it has to do with cultural upbringing; the communistic approach as imposed by Asian countries emphasizes social harmony at the expense of the self. So when it came to conflict, I'd just eat it for the sake of not instigating conflict because I was so sick of the drama and long winded rants that came with communication. Since I was not in a romantic relationship with any of the people that I just tolerated, I didn't feel the need to hurt their feelings and bring up issues. I do think it depends on context whether you bring up an issue or eat it; if it is something that will make or break the relationship, for example your partner goes out clubbing too much for your liking, communication presented in the right manner would be helpful. If it is something trivial like your date opening a car door too hard, sucking it up would be the right answer. But at the same time, many trivial things that you eat could become a big thing, so in that case it's tricky. In that regard, maybe you just aren't compatible with that person if they irk you that much; keep them on good terms but at arms length. Pick your battles to fight. It's just not worth stressing over. But don't go on the opposite end of the spectrum either; being self-centered and having it your way or the high way will leave you lonely. The drawback of a hyper-individualistic society is that there is little harmony between people, that sense of social cohesion becomes more and more scarce. At the end of the day, humans are social animals and need to co-operate to maintain a modicum of peace. 

2. Surround yourself with people who are willing to grow. 

I recently broke up with two of my close friends for this reason--they were NPCs. They liked comfort too much and their world was small; their worldviews stayed narrow, their character development never progressed, they couldn't admit they were wrong.Self-actualizing is about growth. People who are static will not grow. People who are stuck in routine, afraid of new experiences and afraid of change will not encourage you to develop and flourish because they themselves are stuck in one place. You are the average of your closest 5 friends; choose wisely who you decide to surround yourself with.  Don't stay with people because of past history; spouses divorce decades after they tie the knot and it's usually for one reason: one person is constantly seeking growth and bettering themselves while the other remains static. They don't live at the same pace nor the same world and there is nothing to talk about. The old flame that existed because of past experiences blew out. The past does not determine the future--keep your future full of hope and optimism and take the necessary steps to secure a better future, even if it means cutting off a 20 year marriage. Take that leap of faith and listen to your feelings--don't stay stuck in a rut because you are afraid of change. Don't let someone else who is stuck in a rut cause you to be stuck in the same rut with them--leave them behind for the sake of yourself if need be, and don't look back. Sometimes it takes a bit of ruthlessness to reach your full potential, and that's all part of having the courage to seek change and self-actualization. People stay in relationships that are way past their expiry date because they are afraid; afraid that they won't find better or afraid of starting a new relationship with someone else and putting effort in starting fresh. They say "I need them to change" when the truth is, while you can change yourself, it's impossible to change someone else or guilt them into changing for you if they aren't willing to grow. They won't change in that case, and don't say "If they loved me they would change for me" because that's just wistful thinking. People need intrinsic motivation to change, while external factors can sometimes play a role, that's not usually the case. 

3. Practise self-discipline. 

If you think about the greats of the world, they had one thing in common: an endless supply of self-discipline. Lyndon B. Johnson encouraged his secretaries to work harder by setting an example: he would be there way before they arrived in office. Every single day. There is no task in this world that can be completed without grit. That includes getting a PhD, getting into a relationship, learning a piece of music, or getting your dream body. To achieve those things one ingredient is necessary: self-discpline. No one wants to go to the gym everyday or sit down for an hour to practise piano everyday after a few days. The first couple of times are doable because there is a lot of initial motivation, but eventually that dies down, so you need to rely on habit to keep yourself disciplined. Eventually that habit becomes ingrained into your body, and you do the task like clockwork. But the process of getting to that stage takes self-discipline; you do it even when you don't want to do it. That's the mental toughness that most of us lack; a lot of things are a test of not natural aptitude or skill but mental fortitude. David Goggins was a master at this; he wouldn't stop when his body told him to stop. He'd run 24 hour marathons and lose control of his bodily functions afterwards and have to be rushed to the ER after pissing bile due to kidney failure. (now in my opinion, there is a point where it becomes too extreme, but the general message I can advocate for). Our greatest enemy is our mind; if you can conquer and control your mind and fight against it, you can achieve greatness that you never imagined. The BUD/S Hell Week that Goggins went through to become a Navy SEAL. was a test of mental strength and discipline. It wasn't that the tasks were impossible; they were painful and gruesome but still passable, but only to a select few. Those who did were given the honorary position of a Navy SEAL. Challenge yourself and fight your mind; keep doing it, over and over. Your achievements will thank you later. 

4. Don't lose sight of the forest for a tree. 

In January, I dated a guy. Let's call him Simon A. (Inside joke made by mom, because she says there will be Simon B, Simon C, etc.) I had tunnel vision for this guy. I thought he was the shit, because he had these flashy things that I was attracted to. But he had some major flaws that I knew would be an incompatibility later on, such as being a workaholic and being emotionally unavailable, as well as being untrustworthy. Regardless, I invested because I didn't think there would be better. I didn't know what it was like to actually be respected in a relationship with a guy. This rule is the classic "there are so many fish in the sea" but it is actually very true--it wasn't until I let the bad fish go and start to swim in the ocean again that I found bigger and better fish. The endless amount of options were for me to pick and choose from. Sometimes a relationship just won't work for various reasons and that's okay, if it wasn't meant to be then it won't be, and only time can tell. There will be better opportunities ahead, opportunities that you never would have imagined, opportunities that you never would have captured if you had stayed stuck in that moment in time with that one little fish. This is the kind of mistake I also made when I was 17 turning 18; thinking that the first guy that I gave my virginity to would be the one if I just tried hard enough. While yes its true that people do marry their first loves, I hadn't even explored what I liked and didn't like in a guy yet, and I gave up opportunities because I was fixated on one tree. Eventually you will have to pick a tree to build a nest in, but take your jolly sweet time and see if you like the maple, the oak, or the birch more.

5. Document everything. 

The learning happens only when you reflect. Had I not looked back on this blog I would have forgotten everything that I had written and experienced. For someone having trouble remembering things, it's important to write things down, take photos, or make totems so you can remember exactly what you experienced. As one of my girl friends so often says, "Memories fade, but photos last forever." For the longest time, I was simply living in the moment because I was too lazy to document the present. Your life is your story to write--so why not make it beautiful? Hence, albeit quite annoying at times, I have come to appreciate text conversations more because those conversations are carved in stone; you can always look back and feel exactly what you were feeling while having those conversations. Record your music pieces when they're at they're peak; you'll forget it one day, the muscle memory will fade, and you will regret not capturing the moment forever. But don't dwell too much on the past either; it's important to keep looking forward and making new memories to form a solid identity; the past does make yourself you, but also the future that you strive towards also makes yourself you. 

And that's it for this post. I'm getting tired now so it's time to hop to bed and hopefully get rid of the jetlag. Whoever's reading this, see you soon (whether that might be tomorrow or next year depending on how I'm feeling).